Through the miracle of Nikola Tesla's electron... Our voices to yours on a sub-atomic highway

Next live recording: Sunday, December 18 @ 7pm | Admission is $5

Crashbox Bios!

These are the hardworking women and men of the Brick Radio Crashbox!

Jon Bulette is an avid catch-and- release sports--fisherman and befriender of upland game fowl. Jon's easygoing manner and unusual avian friendly pheromones permit him to form strong bonds with pheasant, grouse and quail. It is said that these bonds last a lifetime, and it is not uncommon for Jon to exchange holiday cards with the offspring of a spotted grouse that he may have befriended many seasons ago. That grouse's name was Rasco, by the way.

Hope Cartelli 16-year old chanteuse extraordinaire renowned for her waist which contained only one rib and for her rousing rendition of “Bonnie’s Cherry Was a Bonnie Cherry Until Pop ‘Em Clyde Came Along” was the apple of Boss Tweed’s eye in 1873. Then she was asked to partake in a new experiment: Alfred E. Beach was building a subway under lower Broadway and to get the city’s money to develop the system she was to dress up in only a conductor’s hat and show Tweed just what a ride the subway could be.   On the day of the test ride Tweed, being fat and claustrophobic, got himself so in a tizzy in the train car that he merely flailed his arms and screamed until finally running out the way he came in, never knowing that his Cartelli lay waiting at the other end. Cartelli fainted from the stress of the mayhem.  Beach forgot about her and closed down his failed tunnel forever.   In 1912, builders of the BMT happened upon the old Beach tunnel when digging and Cartelli was found alive, and still, the men were quoted as saying so, quite fetching in her conductor’s hat.  She recovered fully from her experience, marrying a Carnegie, birthing 12 fine lads and experiencing the wonders of menopause in 1952.  She now resides in Woodside and keeps ducks, both alive and dead, on her property.

Tom X. Chao As The Brick Radio Crash Box's Arbiter of Taste, he dictates public opinion in all areas of art and culture.  He used to act in concert with the two other members of his great triumvirate: The Benevolent Dictator and The Lightning Rod for Humanity.  They were assisted by their lovable sidekick, The Font of Folk Wisdom, a large, earthy woman who baked biscuits in the kitchen, simultaneously dispensing common misconceptions at the worst possible moments.  However, as of this writing, The Benevolent Dictator lives in Tujunga cutting B-movie trailers, and The Lightning Rod for Humanity is somewhere in the East 50's, overseeing a science website.  And no one knows what happened to The Font of Folk Wisdom, last seen hotly debating Cecil Adams, Chuck Shepard, and Dan Savage in a cloud of flour and vaporized bacon grease.  (Tom has also been known to collaborate with Sharkman and the Occult Debunker, warring against Pope Jim, but those people live in a parallel universe, very difficult to retcon into the Arbiter of Taste universe.)

Andrew Christian is integral to the fabric of the universe.

Nils d'Aulaire In addition to pioneering several groundbreaking break dancing techniques, including "The Squirm" Nils d'Aulaire is best known as the former chair of the American Society for Shark Nutrition (ASSN). After the highly publicized bloodbath at he James Whitcomb Underwater Hospital in 1998, he left to become the lead taste-engineer at Hi C, eventually coming up with the formulas for such popular flavors as Ecto Coolers, Roofie Red and Crazyberry Enema. Nils became active in the theater community after becoming an extra for the Federal Witness Relocation program. He hopes one day to have conjoined twins.

Eric Davis has no bio.

Raised by giant squid, John DeVore is the mollusk's idea of a ladies' man.  Do not be surprised if he shoots a jet of black ink in your face: it means, "See me after the show." Those preparing to embark upon a deep-sea scientific expedition should not listen to a word he says about his adopted parents, as it consists solely of bald-faced lies. Being biologically human, he is utterly without tentacles.

Lisa Ferber (East Coast Bonbons Technician) began her ascent to stardom at age 4 when she was crowned the official voice of Aunt Rose's Chicken Pot Pie and Stain Remover. Her incoherent but enthusiastic coo-ings  won her praise from the inventor of the radio, Gretel Von Funkenshtunken, who is quoted from her bath as saying, "More bubbles."  As Lisa grew, she achieved success as a stoopside philosopher, fashion icon, and a great appreciator of all forms of weather. Lisa enjoys wearing jewelry with her pajamas. This, of course, has nothing to do with radio, but Lisa is thankful for any opportunity to powder her face and get out of the house.

Michael Gardner is a correspondence school hallway monitor turned professional "WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It" box opener who has been collecting empties at The Brick for several weeks now. He thanks The Brick Radio Crash Box for allowing him into the fraternity of "Beta Beta Delta God You're Such a Flaming Idiot This Is Not a Fucking Frat House You Brain-dead Fartknocker Go Home" on a trial basis.

Richard Harrington (Director of Religious Persecution) coordinates the taunting and ostracizing of all staff members who fail to follow the official religion of the Brick Radio Crash Box:  the worship of Ashkmashk, Lord of the Warthogs.  From easy targets like Scientologists and devotees of the Kabbalah Center on up to Catholics, Jews and right-wing Hindu nationalist politicians (of which there are quite a few here at Brick Radio Crash Box World Headquarters, believe it or not), Harrington is as witty as he is efficient and merciless at creating a climate of fear and discomfort for those who disrespect His One-Tusked Magnificence.

Ian W. Hill (Staff Supergenius) is a familiar voice to radio audiences, having thrilled the hearts of America's homebound drudges as Doctor Brink Lustre in the DuMont network Summer series Juvenile Hospital.  Abroad, he first came to attention as a co-author and performer of the "scabrously offensive" Cambridge Footlights revue Wogs Ahoy!, and was seen in many classical roles in rep in Earnsdale-on-Sty, as well as in the long-running sex farce Pulled a Bloomer.  He made his West End debut as Jamie Tyrone in Lionel Bart's musical adaptation Journey! (where he performed the classic comic number "I May Be Irish, but I Know Scotch"). His films include The Triumph of the Home Guard, Mother Riley Meets a Lycanthrope, The Battle of Aix-en-Provence, and his acclaimed turn as the traitor in Menace from a Red Dimension.  He keeps an apartment in New York City with his cats, Sir and Lady, and his loyal assistant, Mr. Gasquoine, who is helping him write his memoirs, "Often Treaded, Never Bored."

Robert Honeywell tries to understand the meaning of the world through radio theater.  He fails miserably.

	Berit Johnson (Generally in Charge of Lots of Stuff) enjoys banging on things, is not at all lonely, and lives in New York City with her cats, Flopsy, Kookoo, Muffin, Stormy, Jim Jim, Mipsy, Stinker, Whiskey, Mr. Hoppy, and Norm.

John D. Klaitz, Jr. began his career in journalism as a fluffer for Larry King. Then Tom Brokaw, but Tom got rough. Then, after completing journalism night-school at DeVry University, John got his first job as a reporter in a small town in Pennsylvania, where he quickly became a local celebrity by breaking a prostitution scam wide open. Wide open. And while that kind of reporting required certain personal sacrifices, John pushed ahead in many related stories, resulting in clean, safe, whore-free neighborhoods all over Pennsylvania. After gaining the attention of network affiliates in Philadelphia, New York, and elsewhere, John's reporting has spanned the globe, as he has been moving up the news totem pole with great determination and unparalleled success. Whore-free determination and unparalleled success, of course.

Jeffrey A. Lewonczyk (Titled Something): You may not know this, but in the future, A) time travel is distinctly possible, and B) cultural tastes are almost decadently refined.  As such, if an individual chooses that he wants to, say, briefly live the life of a young person immersed in a dying 21st-century art form (e.g. experimental theatre) attempting to relive the past glories of a dead 20th-century art form (i.e. radio), it is a package that his time-travel agent can easily put together with a few day's notice.  It's easy to forget, however, that time travel is like the Wild West of the 29th Century, and that certain unscrupulous persons, interested only in the Almighty Trillion (named the smallest form of currency in 2478, when Americans were tired of juggling a few dozen zeroes to purchase a simple carton of fortified spidergoat-milk) might only provide their customers with one-way tickets to the past, stranding them in temporal backwaters from which they're unlikely to demand a refund.  So if this dispatch survives: you can go to hell, Bitwell 83.752son, if that's even your real name.  And to any of the few other 29th-century travelers stupid enough to visit this asinine epoch: any chance I can hitch a ride?  I'd pay you for it, but I left my wallet in the future.

Alexis Sotille was found by Brick Radio Crash Box staff on the steps of the radio station headquarters, along with an almost indecipherable note in Italian from her birth parents, who apparently had mistaken the large Brick Radio Crash Box insignia out front as some sort of sign for Saint Crashboxio's Catholic Church. The station immediately applied for state funding to raise her, and enroll her in the nation's premier WOP to WASP Education program, RAGU: "Turning Brass Knuckles Into White Knuckled Repression," since 1922.  Though her WOP genes have her anxious to become the loud-mouthed host of her own show, "Whadda Ya Gonna Do Abouttit?", the staff at K Brick has tried to honor her earthy Sicilian roots by placing her in the kitchen, where she belongs, eliciting much exciting tossing of soup tureens by our little ward. Ah, WOPS! Whatta Ya Gonna Do About 'em????